Not Only One Sorry
by touchinghearts
Summary: The stupid, orangehaired little boy within me misses the considerate, loving boy within you. And he says…he’s sorry for all the leaving you that day. He’s sorry for never trying. Now, he and I needn’t say sorry for leaving you both for good.


**Title:** Not Only One Sorry

**Pairing:** Yuki x Kyou (can be seen as just best friends as well)

**Rating:** PG

**Genre:** Angst/ Romance (you can ignore this if you like)

**Summary:** The stupid, orange-haired little boy within me misses the considerate, loving boy within you. And he says…he's sorry he left you that day. He's sorry for never trying. Now, he and I needn't say sorry for leaving you both for good.

**A/ N:** First Furuba fic. Don't go very easy on me, kay? I did my best. Reminder; there are some commas that shouldn't be where they are. If you see them, then pause before reading further cause that's what they mean.

And I'm terribly disappointed with my old reviewers for my DN Angel fic, 'Crazy School Trip'. If you guys are reading this, I'm taking ti down for good. It's a wasted of space. This fic was sort of a vent.

Note: you might have to play the song at least three times. And make sure you're in quiet surroundings or it won't be fun to read.

Hoping for feedback!

* * *

I know this is isn't what I would normally do. I know you would never expect something like this for me. But I implore you to please read. As a last favor to me, even though I don't deserve it.

This is important. To you as well. It's the last thing there ever will be of me.

**What I thought wasn't mine  
In the light  
Was a one of a kind,  
A precious pearl  
**

When we were still very young, barely out of diapers, we were still innocent with our hearts open and free. We were allowed to live just as we were. We were allowed to be happy. When we were just kids, we were the best of friends.

Before all the problems started. Before Akito took you away. Before Akito tortured you. Before you forgot me.

I guess I wasn't all that important to you as you forgot me so easily. Just someone to play with because there was nobody else who was of the same age.

I suppose I can't blame you. I'm not an important thing to begin with. I can understand why you would wipe me from your memory. I just…wished you hadn't.

You may not remember, but I still do clear as day. I guess I shouldn't but those memories are precious to me. You were the only one I had after my mom died. And we were friends even before that. But you were too perfect for me, as Akito often says.

'_Too perfect for the monster._'

I know you're too perfect for me. That's why I never tried to make you remember what we shared.

I regret the fact I didn't try.

**When I wanted to cry  
I couldn't cause I  
Wasn't allowed  
**

Back then, whenever I felt like breaking down after meeting with Akito, I always could count on you. It was strange. I never went to find you. You were…just there. Always, when I needed something to hold onto, you held out your hand to me. And at that time, I knew I was precious to you.

But now, whenever I feel that much too familiar pain, I can never see you. I lost that right the day I let you go without a fight.

I wonder…if I tried, would we still be best friends to this day? Even though it had been years, I still feel the same way about you. Though perhaps it is slightly different. But that's only because of the fact that I'm forced to try and defeat you if I wanted to be free.

You know, I always wonder…That little boy I knew, who still lives within you; is he mad at the little orange-haired boy for not trying? Or does he still love him the way you used to love me?

**Gomen nasai for everything  
Gomen nasai, I know I let you down  
Gomen nasai till the end  
I never needed a friend  
Like I do now  
**

I always relied on myself after you were taken away. I never trusted anyone since then and I suppose I will never again, not fully.

I should have trusted you. We called each other best friends. I should've known that you wouldn't desert me. I should've known that you did think I was enough for you. But I didn't.

When you needed me the most, I didn't come. I knew that Akito was doing something to you, and I didn't do anything.

I don't know why I didn't. I'm not sure I will ever know why. I suppose it's true that it's only when it's done do you regret doing it.

I hate what we've become. Each time we clash, those treasured memories I keep locked within me would flash before my eyes. Those memories are what hold me back from fighting you with my true strength.

It's only when I'm forced into the situation where you hate me do I regret I never tried. I took you for granted.

I only realized exactly how much you meant to me when it was already too late.

**What I thought wasn't all  
So innocent  
Was a delicate doll  
Of porcelain  
**

Now you act just like you did back then. A sweet, caring person who was soft-spoken and polite. The person whom everyone adored and worshipped. The person who never changed from his past to his future.

The only difference is that I know the person you show to everyone isn't who you really are.

That's my fault too.

I loved you so much. I never wanted anything bad to happen to you. When we went to school, I always scared off anybody who dared to make fun of your rather girlish looks and behavior.

Back then, you were so fragile. The thing I prized beyond boundaries. Nothing could taint you. But you're not like that now, no matter how much you pretend you are in front of everybody else. You can protect yourself.

You're not at all like that small, gentle boy I cherished.

How could anyone who had been subjected to what you have remained the loving boy I knew? I know…I could've saved you if I had defied Akito. But I didn't.

And these are the consequences.

**When I wanted to call you  
And ask you for help  
I stopped myself  
**

Not a day passes when I don't recall all the fun things we used to do together. When a day was particularly bad, I use those memories to bring me back up. They always comfort me.

But sometimes, especially after a meeting with Akito, they're just not enough. I get so overwhelmed by sorrow and need that I nearly ran to you the moment I saw you. Just like I used to.

I'm thankful I regained my senses just in time. I don't know what would happen if I went through with it.

**Gomen nasai for everything  
Gomen nasai, I know I let you down  
Gomen nasai till the end  
I never needed a friend  
Like I do now  
**

I don't think sorry will ever be sufficient for what I did. Nothing will be able to make that small boy forgive his weak, orange-haired best friend for abandoning him.

I wasn't there when I should've been. I keep repeating this but I can't stop myself.

I can't bear this anymore. I can't bear what I've done and I can't bear to do what I'm supposed to do now.

I've stepped out of the circle, your circle, and I'm never going to be able to step back in. I might as well just stay away. Just looking at you from afar suffices.

I don't like feeling like I need you every single hour. It's selfish. You don't need me anymore. So I shouldn't even hope.

The problem is, I still do.

**  
What I thought was a dream  
A mirage  
Was as real as it seemed  
A privilege  
**

Now that I think of it, there were moments when I knew you remembered what we shared. Moments that were worth more than those memories. Moments when we understood each other. Moments when I felt that my best friend was right in front of me.

It was unbelievable at the time because a second later you would be your usual self. But if I relieve it, I'll know.

I know you are still in there. I know that there's a part of you, which still cares for me the way you did before. No matter how rare that part surfaces, no matter how short a time it stays, I'm still happy. Joy is something that has become foreign to me after you left me.

But still, just to be given the opportunity to feel the way I used to, was more than I could ask for.

More than I _should_ ask for.

**When I wanted to tell you  
I made a mistake  
I walked away  
**

Actually, there _was _a time I tried to tell you.

I was sick that day. And I just met with Akito the night before. Hatori told me to stay in bed because I had quite a high fever. I wasn't very rational either.

Because I was sick, I wasn't exactly aware of what I was doing. All I knew then, was that I wanted, _needed_ you to stop the agony that was eating me from inside. I needed my best friend back.

I needed to apologize to you. I wasn't the normal, hot-headed Kyo. Because of a strange side-effect of the fever, I thought myself as that little, orange-haired boy who yearned for the only person he thought cared for him.

And so I sought you out. I found you at that haven on yours, with the small growing garden you care so much about.

I found you with Tohru, the girl who changed the lives of so many of the Sohmas. The girl who made such a big impact on our lives. The girl who allowed me to regain just a small bit of the happiness I had lost. The girl who brightened your life significantly.

And the girl you gave that smile to.

The smile you used to give me. The smile that was only reserved for me. The smile that you always showed me whenever we saw each other. The smile that made me feel like I was very special to you. The smile I never saw again.

That smile isn't meant for me anymore.

At that time you were giving her that very same smile. I could see it so well even through all those branches of my hiding place. You were in your own world, in which she was a big part of. I realized that, though I need you, you will never again need me.

And for just a short moment, I hated her with all the fiber of my being. I hated her for taking away any chance I had with you. I hated her for replacing me. I hated her because you needed her and not me.

Know this, I do love her. But I will never love her the way I love you.

And so when I saw just how happy you were with her, the orange-haired kid understood. His kind, loving best friend will never want him anymore. I don't have a place in your life as I did before. I had my time; now it's over. There was only one chance, and I missed out on it.

That small part of the past within you is growing smaller as each day you spend with her goes by. My past is gone.

So, I walked away.

**Gomen nasai, for everything  
Gomen nasai, Gomen nasai,  
Gomen nasai, I never needed a friend,  
Like I do now  
**

I'm not trying to do anything by writing this. I know you won't forgive me. But I think, maybe I'll be able to forgive myself.

And I won't if I don't tell you the truth. This is why I gave this to you. I'm selfish, you've told me that many times. I know it. I decided, maybe I'll willingly do something selfish. I'm doing this, so I'll have a chance to move on.

No, I won't forget you. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that, even if I try.

I'll tell you a small secret. As a last gift for you. There had been only one reason as to why I appeared so eager to defeat you in a battle. If I did not beat you in a fight by the time we graduated, I will be locked up by Akito.

I know I won't ever be able to do that, because our past that you don't remember will always hold me back.

I don't want to be locked up though. So, I'm taking an alternative. I won't have to defeat you therefore betraying that tiny part of you that still knows me. And I won't have to be locked up.

I know telling you now won't change anything. You hate me and you think I return that. I'm just telling you, that I actually don't. I love you more than anything else.

I still need you. It's fast becoming the heaviest burden I've ever held in my life. I wish be rid of it.

And there's only one way to do that.

**Gomen nasai, I let you down  
Gomen nasai, Gomen nasai,  
Gomen nasai, till the end  
I never needed a friend  
Like I do now  
**

So, this is the end. Just tell Tohru that I'm staying somewhere else and that I'll miss her. She'll understand.

To you, I can only think of one thing to say. You won't accept it, we both know that. But I can't move on without saying it.

I'm sorry. The stupid, orange-haired little boy within me misses the considerate, loving boy within you. And he says…he says he's sorry he left you that day. He's sorry for never trying. Now, he and I needn't say sorry for leaving you both for good.

Because we finally understand, that you'll never be happy with us as extra baggage. My past self is grateful that your past self was willing to put up with him. We just want you to know, we never stopped caring for you. We never stopped loving you. I never will.

Goodbye, Yuki.

**.x.**

"S-Sohma-kun? Is something wrong?"

Yuki looked up at a worried-looking Tohru and smiled at her. "I'm fine, Honda-san," he said cheerfully. "But I do have some homework to do. So I'll leave you now."

Tohru watched the boy got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen. She did not see the letter that was clutched tightly in his hand or hear the faint tremor in his voice.

Yuki looked relatively calm as he passed Shigure who was watching television in the living room. He walked up the stairs, passed the strangely quiet bedroom right beside them and went into his room.

The window was wide open and wind was whipping through it, blowing his hair around. Yuki barely noticed. He gently placed the letter in his hand back into its envelope and picked it up. He brought it over to his closet and opened it.

He reached into his shirt and took out a small key he kept on a chain he brought everywhere with him. He took it off and put it into one drawer at the back of his cupboard.

The lock was taken off, he pulled it open. There was nothing within its dark depths besides an old, blue picture frame the size of Yuki's hand.

Carefully placing the envelope in, Yuki took out the frame and stared at it. Suddenly, he felt something tickly and warm slide down his face. Surprised, he held a hand up and felt wetness. His hand fell down to his side limply.

He was crying.

He had not cried for a long, long time. At least, not from loosing something, no matter how much he liked it.

Both his arms were shaking badly and he was forced to put the picture down on a low shelf. He brought his trembling hand up and covered his eyes, trying in vain to stem the merciless flow. He let out a low sob, his thin form shaking badly. Steadily, the tears streamed down, falling onto his shirt and the glass surface of the frame.

His sobs grew louder and he could not contain himself. He stared at the picture through his fingers, remorse swirling within the wet, purple orbs.

"Baka neko!" he yelled suddenly and snatched the picture back up, hugging it to his chest. "Baka, baka, baka neko!"

He collapsed to the ground, his knees too weak to hold his weight.

"Why, why did this happen?" he repeated over and over again. No, Kyo could not have left him again. Not again.

'_But he did_,' a small voice whispered in his mind. And he howled in anguish as pain ripped through his insides.

No, no, no! Not again! He could not have lost the one person he had loved all his life. Not again!

But reality cleaved and shredded any form of barrier or illusion he tried to build to block the agony he was feeling. This was too much. He had failed again. All of what he had gone through before in his life was nothing compared to what he was feeling now.

"How could you?!" he screamed, not caring if anybody heard him. Let them hear. They could not disturb him. They would not dare.

"How could you leave me!" he yelled at the picture. Anger, sadness, pain, sorrow and lastly regret combined into an indiscernible feeling that was too much for him to handle. He felt like breaking the frame in his hands but he did not dare.

"How dare you leave me again!?"

But Yuki knew…he knew all too well that the blame lay solely on him.

His sobs quieted but did not lessen in the least. This was not Kyo's fault. This was his mistake, his responsibility.

Dulled, reddened eyes returned to the frame with the photo he valued above all else. The one single thing he could exclusively call his own since he was a mere three years old. The only thing he had left of the memories he prized deep within the confines of his closed heart.

"Kyo…Kyo…" He hiccupped, clutching his shirt where his heart would be. It was so painful. So, so painful.

And then he whispered something in such a low voice that the blowing wind snatched it into its flowing current much too fast even before his own ears could catch it. Tears dripped onto the glass frame. But the water did not manage to blur the image of the old but well-cared for photo.

Two small boys, looking like they were barely able to walk, hugged each other, their innocent faces glowing with innocence and affection for the one beside them. One boy had fiery orange-hair and crimson eyes that sparkled with joy. The other had shiny, lavender hair and the happiest amethyst eyes.

The picture was a one of a kind. There were no others that would ever relate what happy things had happened in the days of their childhood.

Any who looked upon the picture would know that these two were the closest as any best friends would be. But none but that small, pale-haired boy that had now grown ever laid eyes on the soulful photo.

And every time that boy did, only pain and sadness brewed in the purple depths of his eyes, just as they did now. The sobs stopped, subsiding into gentle, soft cries that were more heart-wrenching than before.

If one was standing outside on the grounds, they would have heard very clearly the horrified scream of surprise from the only female in the house when she peeked into the room.

"Sohma-kun! Sohma-kun, what's the matter! Why are you crying?!"

The wind blew again, carrying the soundless whisper it had stolen from the boy up and away. Into the world and far from the house that held such unhappiness.

"_I never forgot."_

* * *

Aah! I finished it! I managed to finish a story within a day! A first time! Woohoo!

Anyway, hope you guys liked it. I tried to make it sad because the song is sad. I'm hoping to depict that these two used to be together when they were younger. If there's confusion between times, I apologize. I tried my best.

I favor Kyo. Simple as that. I'm not trying to make Yuki weak okay. So any Yuki-lovers who are sure that he beats Kyo fair and square can go on thinking it. This is just to baby my fav character in Furuba.

By the way, you guys better not bother asking me what happened to Kyo. Make your own conclusions. You could either say he moved away or you could think he committed suicide. Your choice. That's the fun of it. To me anyway. XD

Somehow, I feel rather guilty for not exactly finishing this. But I can't really do anything about it unless I decided on a sequel. Hmm…

Their relationship can be interpreted as shonen-ai or best friends. Either way, nothing is going to contradict the other. After all, best friends do love each other.

Hope you liked reading; tell me in a review. If you don't like it, don't bother, it's a waste of time.

Ja Ne!


End file.
